BY MATTHEW BUCK & WILLIAM PATTON
Dear Lord he is Broken in Half!
Officers responded to a large fight over the weekend in the Kresge dorms. Upon arrival the student was resisting arrest and the officers had to call in for back up. The student got sprayed with pepper spray. See, this here is why you do not watch too much WWE. First you are buying a John Cena shirt, next you try to RKO the Bentley Police. The TLC match you set up with the folding table you use for beer pong just isn’t right for you drop the People’s Elbow through. When your steel cage match spills into the hallway people start to notice. By the time the referee counts to three you get pepper sprayed. Keep the antics to the inside of the cage, brother.
Hole in the Wall
Officers were dispatched to Copley North with multiple sounds of disturbance. When they got to the dorm they found large amounts of damage in the dorm. Rumors say that the construction workers were practicing for the Student Center. They didn’t want the project to run behind anymore so they wanted to really perfect the hammer swing. It would also help them to get a construction job in the future if they demolished another building. Really, that is smart business, improve yourself and generate a customer. Very nimble move guys.
“My Toilet Runneth Over”
A student called the police frantically describing the dangerous scene happening in his room. His toilet, filled with a combination of Chipotle and Rubinoff decided to clog itself. The un-paratus student did not have a plunger to quickly solve the issue. When the toilet did not function properly the student acted in the only rational manner, keep flushing and hope that helps. When that sure didn’t work the next step was to call the police and have them deal with it. The police passed the unfortunate task of toilet maintenance off to the poor fellows in facilities. You da real MVP’s.
Wilsonnnnnn
Last week we unfortunately had a LaCava worker get stuck in an elevator. The police arrived in scene after calling the elevator company. 30 minutes later the worker was free of his temporary prison. After just this short amount of time the worker had grown a 6 inch beard, pee’d in the corner, and befriended a volleyball. He was delirious and rambling about delivering packages to people. Not sure what got into that man but he shortly quit LaCava to drive for FedEx, Ground, not Air.
He Who Smelt It
There were several reports coming from the police officer of “94C activities”. Now the 94C is generally used in conjunction with a smell. While the Bentley police do not have the code information next to the police log we can only assume what the smell of 94C activity implies. Farts. All you people are eating 8 mongo hamburgers at a sitting and that is wreaking your stomach. Your farts are so damn bad your RA needs to report the smell to the police. 94C’s have been reported because rooms smell, hallways smell, and the Trees basketball courts smell. Take some Bean-O people.
Pee and Flee
In the Fenway dorm, officers were called because of reports of a male running up and down the hallway urinating and exposing himself to the public. When officers arrived the student was not to be found. This is a classic move that just never works out in a guy’s favor. The last thing a bunch of girls want to see is a guy peeing in the hallway exposing himself. That’s definitely not going to work out in his favor. I heard he made a pee trail all the way to his room just in case anyone decided to see who the person was. Officers could not make it to the scene in time because they were too busy dealing with all the other kids peeing in the halls. At 11:30 every weekend night students participate in the annual pee and flee.
